I'm coming...out

It's interesting seeing people in this world. The media, the crazies, the cool kids, T.V., radio, etc. They all tell us to be "who we are" and just live the way we were "born."

The "Born This Way" antics never seem far-fetched, yet why it is it I still see people in the world living, afraid of who they truly are. I found as I pondered this idea, that I, I who have dedicated a chunk of my life to equality and understanding, am part of this problem. Not only in my own life but in the lives of many others.

I have a voice. We all do, but I find that for me, personally, I don't use it as often as perhaps I should.

I found that when I "came-out", my life didn't change. It's easily described as shock. I was in shock. Now, that I had declared my liberation for a jail sentence that seemed indefinite. I was free, but I didn't feel free. It wasn't at all as I expected. I don't think it ever is.

The burden that was lifted from my shoulders was certainly a relief, but within me still lived something that was missing. I came to find that my life was not something that could change rapidly. It is a process. A process, not I, nor anyone else can progress in a quick manner (although I wish it was) it's not. It is in the process we find that our lives change, for the better, brighter, and more authentic versions of our "born this way" selves.

I believe this process happens for everyone. Gay, straight, bi, transgender (life). No matter who you are; at some point you must wake up and (as I say) become conscious of your life. For it is once you reach that state of consciousness that your "process" begins. Sometimes it comes sooner in life, and sometimes it comes later. Whenever you're ready. It will come, but until then, we should all dedicate ourselves to being okay, with people being who they are.

Allow them to experience their own process. Live and let [others] live.

It's time to finally be...whoever we choose to be.

Bestest Friends

Today is my besties birthday.

She's pretty much the best.

This year (and every year) wouldn't have been the same without her.

I adore her.

I really do.

I hope she knows that.

BFFL!

Number Seven

People.

I just love people..

Well maybe Love is too strong a word.

I adore?

No.

I...I...

Love will have to work. I really do love meeting new people. There's nothing more fascinating to me, than a person telling their life story. I'm not sure what it is, but I love it.

I have met so many wonderful people this year. I've made new friends. I've made some really great acquaintances, and I've had a really good time hearing their stories.

One of the most brilliant relationships I got this year. Was from this guy...

Boyd. I'm not really for sure how it all happened at this point, and I don't really care. Meeting him has changed my life in ways that were/are good and bad.

He has such a great heart, and such an annoying taste for V-neck, anything. But still he has been one of a kind.

Really great.

Wow.

P.S. We even went on a date to conference. Oh, you don't believe me?

Proof:

Yup.

Number Eight

A year ago...I wrote this:

As I walk to the edge

I release--the grasp

of my hands.

Bleeding.

Again on the past in

a memory.

Which lives between here

and there.

Have a faltered?

Have I died?

I paint the canvas--

Red--to cover the sin.

I cry--

Tears: a cascade that mars

my face,

and now, I drown.

It's over now, yet

I can't smile a grin--so

I lift my head--up--

towards the

moon, and still

it burns.

Then I find myself again.

--

As I walk to the edge.

Everyone thought it was referring to suicide, which I honestly hadn't realized until someone mentioned it to me.


It was just suppose to be about life and taking chances. Also, I think there was something personal that sparked the idea, but I can't remember what it is now. Humph.


I had forgotten that I had written this, until I decided to ruffle through some paperwork. I stumbled across this and a comment from my Writing 2010 teacher in my "blue book," she wrote (and I quote), "Good work, Nathan you have a really engaging voice and a flair for language. I hope you keep writing."

This year I think more than ever, I realized how much I really do love writing, but I found that the work I produced this year; wasn't as compelling as I think it could have been. 

I'm definitely working on that this next year. 

I can't wait!

Number Nine

I got my Wisdom Teeth pulled...finally.

It was really quite exciting, and honestly, I am so happy they are gone.

They were such a bother.

I've always wondered why are we born with things that later in life, we'll need to have removed; wisdom teeth, gall bladder, appendix...etc.

What's the point?

I'm not really sure either.

I feel so grown up now that my Wisdom teeth are gone. I feel mature. I feel crazy. I feel...

alive.

Cheesy much? I know. YAY!

Top Ten moments of 2011...

I've decided this week that I would list my top ten moments of 2011. I didn't realize what a wonderful year it was, until I took a moment to look back at all the wonderful opportunities I had this year. There are far more than ten, but I'm going to try and narrow-it down (for the sake of you and of me).

Number Ten:

London! I went to London. It was probably the most fabulous experience I've ever had. I am definitely going back. Mark my words. I must. I don't think I could live without going back. It is such an extraordinary place. So many things to do. So many people to meet. I just love it. Besides being 5000 miles away from home, in a country unlike any other. I also made some of the best friends in the world there.

Claire Heman and I have become inseparable. I love this girl like a sista from another mista. She is hilarious, and super intelligent. We have oodles of fun together.

Matthew Romriell...there are no words. I adore this man. He is an inspiration. He is a mentor. He is crazy-lovely-wonderful-marvelous person whom I can't even imagine my life had he not come into it.

Olivia Vessel has such a passion for life that I am so envious of. When she sets her mind to something, there is no stopping her. It's very admirable.

Laura Melton, I can't explain to anyone how much I love her. I really can't. She's a fabulous actress. A wonderful friend, and a beautiful person. Secretly, when I walk around, I tell myself to tap into my inner Laura Melton. That's how fabulous she is.

Andy Ricci has stories to tell and he is REALLY good at it. He has perfect comic timing, and is so smart. I was so lucky to have him as a room mate. Anyone else just wouldn't be able to compare to the wonderous wonder of Andres. <3

Among others that I met in London. These are just a few. I truly love them and miss them/it everyday. I'm so happy I had to opportunity to go, to learn, and to grow. I feel very blessed.

Well, until we meet again my dear London.

Wait for me.

When is it time to say Good-Bye.

I think I'm done.

That's what I keep telling myself.

I'm done.

Then I go right back.

Then I'm not done. I'm just

crazy.

I have no idea how to deal anymore. Do I cry? Do I yell?

How do I move-on?

I'm done parading Good-Bye's but never going through with them.

I keep telling myself this is what I wanted, and it is. It's exactly what I wanted, but why do I feel so bitter.

Cold.

Unwanted?

Why?
Why?
Why?

I'm lost.

I think...

WAY too much!

If Thinking was an Olympic sport I would definitely take home the Gold...

maybe.

I like thinking. I do. 

Sometimes, though.

It can be TORTURE!

I'm really ready for the semester to be over.

I really want at least a new position at work

or

a new job.

I also need to move out.

I've been getting a lot of  "Why do you want to move-out," faces, or "Are you and your parents fighting?" 

The Truth:

Nope. My parents and I are doing just fine. We're actually better than fine. I mean, there are good days and bad days, but they're not the reason I want to move out. I strictly want to move out because I want to take more credit hours at school, and need more access to campus to do so. That's it. I just want to further my scholastic career. NBD.

I have no idea where to start though? Do I move in with strangers? Do I move in with friends? Where do I move? Where is safe? Etc.

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

 Humph.

Who knows...

I'll think about it.

P.S. I think I have a crush. 

P.P.S. I love Ingrid Michaelson.

Thanks for Giving

What does Thanksgiving even mean?

Wasn't it when Pilgrims fled from England to escape religious intolerance?

Where does Thanks come into play?

I guess part of me wants to know, and I'm pretty sure I can Google it,

then again

Maybe I don't don't want to know.

This Thanksgiving has been hectic and crazy and frantic (and any other synonyms you can think of).

I like it though...I don't want to go back to school. It's going to get crazy and then...

Dun
    Dun
        Dun

CHRISTMAS!!!

Then we start again. I'm not sure how I feel about this Thanksgiving...
we'll have to see once everyone arrives.

Ugh.

When I grow up...

I've decided when I grow up...I want to be Betty Lou.

Who's Betty Lou?

Oh only the most fabulous, wonderful, courageous, beautiful, funny, compassionate, kind, and MANY, many more things that I can't even list it will take this whole website.

I just adore her.

She's the kind of woman you can't help but love.
She's so witty
She's so kind.
And she's got the knees of a forty year old.

Everyone has to meet her

and

if you don't...that's your loss.

When I live my life now...I tap into three (3) people:

My inner Beyonce
My inner Adele
and my inner Kelly Clarkson.

When I grow up...

I'm definitely tapping into my inner Betty Lou. Which means I'm going to live until I'm 120...

Betches!

The job I didn't get

So...I applied to be an "Orientation Leader" at the University this semester.

I didn't get it. :(

I wasn't devastated I didn't get it though.

I'm not sure if that means I really didn't want it, or I've learned how to deal with rejection...

really well.

Hmph!


Perhaps I figured I wasn't going to get it, after the second interview. I think that I got along with the ladies just fine, and the interview went well, but I think the interviewer felt it was going to be difficult for me to juggle SMP as well as being an Orientation leader.

Which I definitely understand.
From an employer's standpoint.

I even started to second-guess myself, and that's when I realized "meh, whatever happens, I'm happy."

So...this summer is dedicated to hanging out with my homies on a regular basis.
Going to the Drive-in.
Throwing dinner parties.
Going to Washington.
Attending lots of Free and expensive events such as:

Concerts
Musicals
Art Galleries
and
Movies.

This summer is dedicated to fun. No School. No Homework. No ambitious remedies to "fix my life".

It's just about me, and my pals and working.

I CAN'T WAIT!

Back to the Grind.

I wrote this with one person in mind, and I actually wrote it in two parts.


It was suppose to be sort of a progressive story, but it became difficult trying to make the two parts fit, cohesively. 


I'm not sure it's even done, but I'm sure it's ready to be read: 


Sypnosis: This is a story about a man I loved. A man I wanted to love. A man who, really, was just an idea. These are all the things I never said, all the things I should have said, and all the things I didn't want to say, but finally had to--in order to move on.

To you 

There was a man, I loved--

once.

A man who told me

life was a dream.

We smiled.

We laughed.

We fought--

endlessly.

It was hypocrisy 

when I left him.

I had to stumble 

right back.

I thought I belonged.

The more I saw--

the more I wanted him

 gone.

So I wept

and I yelled

and I got angry.

Nothing.

There was a man--

I loved 

once.

He left me,

for a man he loved

more.

I'm still standing.

Smiling...

Melancholy.

As the 

Thunder,

and lighting.

Strike.

I wait as the onyx

night sky,

becomes the sun

peaking o'er the morning 

hills.

Milliseconds.

Seconds.

Minutes--pass

and I wait

(wait)

as life goes by.

It ends

I awake,

and I'm alive.

and to you--

all I can say/is

(Goodbye.)

There was a man

I loved--

once.

Kelly Clarkson...I hate her!

I really don't.

Actually, I adore Kelly Clarkson. That's just shout out to Wendy Kimble.

I've been listening to her new album STRONGER...on REPEAT. It plays constantly:

While I'm sitting.
While I'm standing.
While I'm showering.
While I'm sleeping...

ALL. THE. TIME.


I love this album SO much.


One of the best songs off the album is a song called What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger).


Which takes the old adage in a rock-esque perspective. I can't help my rock out when I listen to this song.
It's quite liberating.

So...I thought I would share it with everyone.

ROCK ON!

Yes...another one.

I absolutely ADORE this:



I love it because--

1.) It's completely true.
2.) Maya Angelou said it (She is sowise).
3.) Because not only does it apply to how we see other people, but it also applies to how people see us.

I think that, yes, it is about learning that what people show me/I is the truth, but it also means that we/us consciously have to continue being people that we want others to accept the first time, and not learn the 29th time they don't want to be around us.

Lovely. 

Become Better...

It's interesting the way things come into our lives RIGHT when we need them...

I was watching Oprah the other day...I adore Oprah.

It was her Life Class.

She was talking about Anger. 


Coincidentally I had been dealing with anger at this time.

I always thought Anger (Grrr) was just an emotion everyone had to deal with. Including me, and I had been angry before, and I dealt with it.

This time though. I was furious. FUMING. I was so angry, and I saw that this angry only fueled other "Anger's" in my life, even more.

I'm not really an angry person.

This day... I was.

So, I sat down watched Oprah, and this it what she said to me:




:) I love that..."Not only was she laughing, but she's shopping at Tiffany's"

This has become one of the greatest lessons I think I'll ever learn, and has become one of my daily Mantra's...

Don't become bitter; become better.



So, we must all feel anger. We are human, but we must also allow anger to pass over us like the onyx night sky, and search for the sunlight that peaks over the six o' clock hills. Anger is normal. It is when we allow anger to settle within us it develops into bitterness and resentment, and that is where sadness lives.

This Time

I guess life is suppose to be complicated sometimes.

At least. It should be. If it isn't, why are we here?

I was on Facebook. When a friend posed this question...

What are emotions? 


My Response?

...

That's where I feel something. Then you feel something. Then we feel something together. "Your 


Perfect. Your perfect. So, we're perfect together." Sort of thing. Synergy. Etc.


Yeah. That's a reference to Wicked: The Musical. 


Anyways the point?


Emotions...at least to a point are within us, not to understand and not to complicate, but they are there to connect us. With emotions we relate to one another. It is why we have one another. To love. To hate. To envy. To enjoy. Emotions create synergy. 


I love that. 


S Y N E R G Y. What a beautiful concept. The idea that the whole  is greater than the sum of it's parts. 


Just  an idea. :) 

Facebook Fast

It seems strange. I mean, a "Facebook Fast"--it's almost laughable. Wait, who am I kidding? It's completely laughable. I guess you could say I've finally woken-up to the fact that Facebook controls my life.

I have a lot to discover. I keep thinking that today I want to be 35, and I have to look at myself in the mirror and give a friendly reminder: "YO stupidhead you're ONLY TWENTY!" So, I keep thinking about if I'm only twenty; what am I suppose to have done? What am I supposed to have accomplished in two decades of my life, because I feel I've done nothing, and I feel as if I'm in this black hole of just: questions.

Questions that are everywhere. I wouldn't say I'm lost, but I'm definitely not found. I have learned so much, but I feel there is so much learning that needs to go on.

The way I describe it to people is "When I'm 80 years old and sitting on my porch. I don't want to be the Grandpa that reflects on his life and thinks--wow I didn't do anything worth while when I was twenty."

I definitely expect regrets. I definitely expect failures, and that's okay. I'm already waiting for the complications, and that excites me the most. I feel like if it's not complicated, there's nothing to learn from it.

Anyways, beyond the Facebook fast comes a lot of baggage. Baggage I'm not sure I'm ready to reveal on a public domain--just yet, but in time--once I've even learned what it means...everyone else will know too.

For now I'm taking two weeks to do things I've never done before. I'm taking two weeks to learn more about what I can accomplish, when I'm not trapped behind the computer. I'm going to redecorate my room, finish my mid-term papers, party it up, text, watch television and movies (maybe even some Lifetime, you know, for a good 'ugly cry'), and after two weeks we'll see what happens. I have no expectations for this. I just need to revamp, that's all.

Just Needed A Reminder

I think I forgot why I started this blog, and need a little kick in order to remember. I think I may publish more now that I've revisited that era of my life. Who knows? 


Where do I start? I guess that's a question everybody starts out with. How bout a story? All right...Once Upon A Time in a far away land there lived a lovely family, in Farmington. They were the kindest, sweetest, most sentimental family to ever walk the face of the planet. There was a mother and wife; Betty Lou. There was the father and husbad; Billy Bob. A grandmother; Margarette. Lastly there was a handicapped daughter diagnosed with severe cancer named Faith. This story is not like any other fairy tale, because in this story we don't end with "happily ever after." You see, Faith, was over come by her cancer at the age of 39. She had lived to see a prosperous life, she had acheived what others didn't believe she could acheive, she had a heart of gold, a heart of warmth, and the courage of god by her througout her entire life. This story doesn't end happily because Faith has gone home now, to fly, fly away into the world of pearly gates, white clouds, and to meet the almighty creator himself. Faith, and her story is a true story.


I decided to create a blog to let everyone know exactly what I'm thinking, a place to vent, a place to cry, a place to laugh, and just a place to write. I'm here in honor of "Faith." I'm here to tell her story and my story. I decided in this first blog what "Don't Ride," means. It goes along with the quote "just ride that roller coaster of life." Well my feelings are Don't Ride. If we sit on this ride of life all we end up doing is letting ourselves watch the world pass by only to back to the beginning. I say "Don't Ride," live, learn about this rollar coaster you're on, let your inspiration and intuition get the best of you! Life is a one time thing. I learned from faith that all though she was handicapped nothing was going to get in her way of climbing that mountain. But what impresses me the most is she, in an essence, climbed that mountain for herself. She didn't climb it to please those non-believers she climbed it to live her own life. She climbed it to show herself "if i can do this I can do anything." Faith will be missed on this Thanksgiving day, she will be the inspiration that guides me to the top of the mountain, she will be the wind beneath my wings, and she will be the reason I don't sit and ride I will live and let live.

Why ask?

I was watching the most revolutionary show the other day...Desperate Housewives. Bah! Okay, maybe not the MOST revolutionary, or even the most moral, but still a very good show (when it comes to VERY fictional television), anyways, but I did have an epiphany during Sundays episode. Susan Delfino had been struck down tragically during a protest in her neighborhood rupturing her one and only good kidney. So, she was in desperate need of a kidney.

So...fast forward a whole junk of drama happens and she gets a kidney from the ex-wife of her mortal enemy, but that's not important. In the hospital, while waiting for her kidney she meets fellow kidney transplant man, and befriends him...he dies. In this sudden death of her friend she wonders how she could receive a kidney? Why was she the one to live? What was she to do with her life because she had been given a gift?

Well...this is taking too long, but finally she asks her wise, elderly neighbor who tells her, "why ask?" And that is my point. I have been feeling the same way as Susan. I have been so blessed with an opportunity to study abroad, and to live in a good home, to have good and nice things in my life, but I ask "Why me?" Why do I get to be the one that is blessed with all these things? How am I special? I have met better candidates along my road in life, much wiser, much kinder, much gentler souls than mine, but yet I have been endowed with such a priviledge.

It's difficult for me to understand, but then again "why ask?" I have come to realize that my acceptance of the situation I'm in, regardless of whether it be good or bad. I have been blessed. It is my responsibility to react. If something goes wrong or right it is by mine own aura, mine own being, and that divine nature that brings me to understand what fate truly is.

That is life.

I'm going to England.
I am so blessed, and in that blessing I only hope I can return it to the universe, plus some.
That is my mission.

Yet, it's much more complicated to do, rather than to be done.
Right.
Ciao.

Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9CsW7TRxr0