Irritation.

Irritation beckons once again,
only this time it kidnaps my soul.
Bare and suffocating beneath
the bag of wool. Starving
you can see
in it's eyes.

Hear it's stomach roars to be
released. It's tired too.
Ready to devour it's prey.
My body and his body too.
Anguish and fire seems to burn
through every pore.
No life.
No more.

Patience.

It is the only solace
amongst irritation.
As it passes over
another past. Here it whispers,
"come closer", and you wake
to see him again. 

Sent Flowers

 Sent Flowers
By: Nathan Rust

Flowers garnish our hearts
with pedals of delight
and leaves of subtle
regret.

Which allow us to ponder
what matters most.
We are suddenly shocked
by such a gift.
That honors our most sacred
emotion, love.

Let me purge across this
page.
All my greatest fears.
May they leave many
marks.
That resemble the body
I own, clad-in
scars.

The underside of my fingernails
are etched in sin.
The brow of my eye
is lined with sweat,
from the pain.

Leaving me scared--
crying,
angry,
unafraid--
of how I feel.

Yes, flowers bring us
back to what we once
were.
Yet, something better occurs
when we create a garden
anew. 

Extraordinary Silk

The rest of my life dangles beneath me
within silk robes edged and tightened--
holding on to nothing more
than a 6 inch lead pipe bar tied
in one knot.
Holding it all together.
I navigate the twists
the turns
the waves of sheet which
spread beneath my toes
letting me know
life lives--
drowning me in it's confusion.

The parade I give I get lost
among the masquerade,
covered in fuchsia strength.

It seems to me the tightrope of life
which I traded for this.
Was less a bargain than a trick
with no trapeze or net
to catch my flailing limbs.

I tighten the cocoon of my nestled
sheets, neatly against the bar
wrapped in love
and evolution.

Till the heaviness of my heart
begins to rip the seams of such
magnificent fabric.Piece by piece
I am exposed
and I fall.
 
  

Adieu!

Today is my last full day in my dorm-room, before I enter the real world, and I have no plan to accomplish how I'm going to survive in it. This is both frightening and incredibly exciting. That in itself shows how much I have grown in over a year.

Being on my own has been the most satisfying and tumultuous path which I have walked. On this journey I have learned my most valuable life lessons, and made the most incredible connections. I have seen and lost love, I have gained and lost friends, I have learned to change my own tire, and many more adult milestones have I crossed at my year away from home.

I would call myself a very ambitious person, so creating plans is sort of my forte. I like knowing where I'm going, what I have to do, and why?

I'm not saying I'm going to neglect all of those for a life of pure spontaneity, but I've found myself in a position where I don't know where I'm going to live, I also don't know what I want to study, or do for work, and for right now that's fine with me. It might be time to take a moment and just breathe and figure out where to go next. I see the world before me, and it is limitless.

Although I'm not sure of the details in my life, I do know what I want the end result to be. I know where I want to be, and now I just have to figure out how to get there, and that's exciting.

Before I go, I just had to say that this journey wouldn't have been as incredible if it weren't for my friends and family, and especially my room mates to make it worth all the angst and trials. They are magnificent in every way. Each person has edified and enlightened me in every way, and I am so excited to see where they all go from here.

So, if any of you are reading this, please know that I am always in your corner. I may not always agree with you, and I have a problem with jumping to opinions too quickly, but I pray for your success and fulfillment in this life, and you are incredible.

To everyone I say "farewell for now, and adieu."

To Those Who Matter

Waste seems somewhat of a meaningless
title.
What is waste, and where does it go
once we are done with it?

Am I a piece of waste?
Where is what I aspire
or care to be?

I have questions with no answers.
Although the intent must have fled
with my respect
and my misery.

This waste is numb.

Perhaps I'm far too much to deal with.
Perhaps I'm not assertive enough.

Enough.

Defined:
The expectation or amount
of expectation to which
I aspire to fill.

Enough.

Perhaps I'll just never be enough.
Shoulders are sore and knuckles
are etched in red,
from the pain of my life to which I
scour the highest of heights,
and swim to the lowest of lows
to find what you tell me is

enough.

Finding nothing but old scraps of wasted paper
and orange peels which have lost their scent of citrus
I've found that I've ended that reckless journey in a
junkyard.
Among the foulest manure fill which devours my lungs
in stench from your
expectations.

I wander,
and though you tell me to keep searching.
I look
and see.
Masked by the dirt and shallow
self-indulgence.
I found a prize.

There are many a treasure to be found in the junk yard of my
self-perception.
Shiny rings and bicycle tires. Lost notes and memories which
were scrapped by accident with the junk drawer.
It was there, in the yard, I found the greatest treasure.
A block of wood which once hung upon the door to my
heart.
It read:
You are worthy.

You. Are. Worthy.

Can You Feel the Love?

I hadn't really noticed that Valentine's Day was coming so quickly. I guess I just got wrapped up in...life. Once I finally realized that it was coming-up, I opted out of celebrating the holiday, because I wasn't prepared. Everyone assumed that because I was choosing not to recognize the holiday, that I was some sort of relationship-people-hating-sad-faced-monster, and as I accidentally got wrapped into moping about this self-proclaimed "Single-Awareness Day". I realized, I don't hate today.

I never have, and I don't think I ever will. Today, as I've said before has never been about being with "my man" or going out to have one too many drinks. Today isn't about the Hallmark expressions or the flowers and candy (wait, maybe it is a little bit about the candy), but regardless. It's a day to say (or show, rather) that we love each other.

Should we be doing that every day? Of course! But today is a day you have an excuse to love that cutie you've been eye-ing on the bus, or the estranged grandmother who you never talk to. It's about saying you love your brothers or your sisters without being embarrassed, and more than all of this it's about the love you proclaim for you and yours. 

Today you should take just a moment to reflect on how much love you have in your life, and how much that means to you? Moreover when you realize that today isn't about those people who are incredibly love-sick and happy in their half committed relationships, or even their picturesque ideal Stepford love. Remember you are loved, and David Bowie said it best: "The greatest gift is learning to love and being loved in return." 

P.S. If you have nothing to do today! Click! There's TEN fabulous ideas of what you should do, and for your entertainment, a shirtless picture of Ryan Gosling . HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Ego Boundaries

Ego Boundaries
By: Nathan Rust

Are we Friends? 
Are we Human?

What is my Constitution to 
who I am 
or who I will be?

Have I failed?
Am I flawed?

Perfection seems to me 
to be a distant star,
twinkling, beyond 
the night.

A star
no one can reach.
A star
no one can hide.

It is neither lost
nor found.
It is neither starving
nor full.

I search for the star--
as it blinks among the universe.
Always to be blinded by the
blanket of stars
masking the large
night sky.

My search is in vain.

My mind can't seem to follow
the star as it mends and blends
the virtue which holds my 
hope of life.

Everlasting.

Look--
the light of day dawns.
It meets on the line
of the horizon.
Where the night air 
meets the early morning dew.

As the sun rises, and the stars
are erased, from the blackboard
of the universe.

My smile creases when I beckon
unto the first sounds of movement.
Entering the day, and find
that what I had been searching for
had fooled me so.

For it doesn't exist.

Hello, My Name is Nathan

When you find that those who were once your greatest ally have become your greatest foe. That burden of hatred to which you begin to carry, seems to be the heaviest load of all. It's heavy on your shoulders, and bad for your back, but more than that. This burden is heavy on your heart. Then, there comes a point in time when you release yourself of the hate, and begin to understand that your life is changing.

You are changing.

Change is somewhat of a fearful exercise to which we all become familiar with in our life. Now, our tolerance for such activity comes to us by our own version of events and our approach to them. Change for me has meant stress-levels shooting through the roof. Change has meant learning to deal with struggle and triumph. Change has meant learning to let go of what "once was" and learning to create something that will "soon be".

I am the director of my own life.

I can only prevail if I allow myself to prevail. I can only succeed if I believe success is within my grips. It also means learning that strength will never come from the times in which I succeed, but from the multitudes of times in which I fall, and tell myself to get back up.

I must always get back up.

So, although my greatest foe is no longer my enemy. Although what I have been through is no longer about what we once were, but what I now know for sure. We will never be what we once were, because that person I once was no longer exists, and that space. The space within my soul to which you had acquired and monopolized, is no longer vacant.

Maybe we can start again? Maybe we can get to a point where we at least know each other's names, and eye color... here, in attempt to start, not in reconciliation, but in a general consent towards taking baby steps in a new direction:

"Hello. My name is Nathan...it's nice to meet you."

What Am I Doing With My Life?

I have no idea.

I feel trapped, upon a boat set sail to nowhere. Perhaps that's too cliche.
I feel abandoned in a desert on the hottest, most scorching day of the year, parched and ready to die.

No. Still cliche.

I feel trapped feet above molten lava, and the only way I can save myself is to jump down from my bed.
It seems simple enough to envision, doesn't it? I just have to jump onto the carpet, but even a leap onto the solid ground which I recognize I've wandered on for years upon years, I'm still so confused.

What if I die? What if I trip and fall? What if I happen to succeed? Or try something new?

These are all things I was never afraid of, and maybe I'm still not afraid of them, but I find that there are moments when I feel so completely mesmerized by how much I've accomplished, I sit and think...

I've gone nowhere. I've done nothing.

Who am I?

That resounding questions seems to beckon near my ear constantly, lately. Along with what am I doing, and where am I going? I'm never really sure, and my uncertainty seems to waiver like a night wind blowing the lethal smog, nowhere.

I feel completely and utterly lost.

So, I extend my great confusion to you, and ask for your hand off of my ledge from a bed, high above a smoldering non-existent batch of lava: how do I find myself?

Finding Closure

What is closure?

I think some would say that closure is the moment you're allowed to finally feed the deepest thoughts of regret, anger and hatred to that which has done you wrong.

Some, those who have meditated on the situation and found a simpler meaning in life would give you a simpler answer and that is to just, "let it go".

Both, however are answers that are far too easily defined, and  are too quickly an anecdote to jump to when trying to reconcile your life, your spirit and your heart from a detrimental downfall and an abhorred event in your life.

It is in these moments we find that we test ourselves and our ability to cope with our own strength.

How long are we willing to hold on?

For me, I found not long, and once I found myself at the depths of despair on a moving staircase of cowardice thoughts and numb emotion.

 I found myself like a hamster turning on a running wheel. Just going in a circle that I thought would never end.

Today, I have made the choice to finally step off the hamster wheel. I have no idea why I stayed on so long. A part of me probably wanted to wait, in hopes that eventually my wheel would pop off it's hinges and create it's own path in my life, but then again, part of me probably liked the security of not having to try to venture in a world of hurt and sadness.

I truly believed that. That this world could only hold hurt and sadness, and it wasn't worth venturing into. I was a fool.

I can only sit here and write this endless plea of confusion, because of individuals who came to my beckon when I didn't know I had called for them. Who saw a poor-soul in need of resuscitation and breathed air back into his lungs. To those people: I am eternally grateful. I know by every fiber of my being I would not be here today were it not for you. I love you and I thank you.

Now that I'm breathing again. I take another step in a brighter direction. A direction into a world full of hurt and sadness and happiness and love.

I don't know whether I'll find closure or not, but I don't think I really need that. That missing part of my heart, where closure fits will always be a gentle reminder of where I've been, and to always keep going.