I'm coming...out

It's interesting seeing people in this world. The media, the crazies, the cool kids, T.V., radio, etc. They all tell us to be "who we are" and just live the way we were "born."

The "Born This Way" antics never seem far-fetched, yet why it is it I still see people in the world living, afraid of who they truly are. I found as I pondered this idea, that I, I who have dedicated a chunk of my life to equality and understanding, am part of this problem. Not only in my own life but in the lives of many others.

I have a voice. We all do, but I find that for me, personally, I don't use it as often as perhaps I should.

I found that when I "came-out", my life didn't change. It's easily described as shock. I was in shock. Now, that I had declared my liberation for a jail sentence that seemed indefinite. I was free, but I didn't feel free. It wasn't at all as I expected. I don't think it ever is.

The burden that was lifted from my shoulders was certainly a relief, but within me still lived something that was missing. I came to find that my life was not something that could change rapidly. It is a process. A process, not I, nor anyone else can progress in a quick manner (although I wish it was) it's not. It is in the process we find that our lives change, for the better, brighter, and more authentic versions of our "born this way" selves.

I believe this process happens for everyone. Gay, straight, bi, transgender (life). No matter who you are; at some point you must wake up and (as I say) become conscious of your life. For it is once you reach that state of consciousness that your "process" begins. Sometimes it comes sooner in life, and sometimes it comes later. Whenever you're ready. It will come, but until then, we should all dedicate ourselves to being okay, with people being who they are.

Allow them to experience their own process. Live and let [others] live.

It's time to finally be...whoever we choose to be.

Bestest Friends

Today is my besties birthday.

She's pretty much the best.

This year (and every year) wouldn't have been the same without her.

I adore her.

I really do.

I hope she knows that.

BFFL!

Number Seven

People.

I just love people..

Well maybe Love is too strong a word.

I adore?

No.

I...I...

Love will have to work. I really do love meeting new people. There's nothing more fascinating to me, than a person telling their life story. I'm not sure what it is, but I love it.

I have met so many wonderful people this year. I've made new friends. I've made some really great acquaintances, and I've had a really good time hearing their stories.

One of the most brilliant relationships I got this year. Was from this guy...

Boyd. I'm not really for sure how it all happened at this point, and I don't really care. Meeting him has changed my life in ways that were/are good and bad.

He has such a great heart, and such an annoying taste for V-neck, anything. But still he has been one of a kind.

Really great.

Wow.

P.S. We even went on a date to conference. Oh, you don't believe me?

Proof:

Yup.

Number Eight

A year ago...I wrote this:

As I walk to the edge

I release--the grasp

of my hands.

Bleeding.

Again on the past in

a memory.

Which lives between here

and there.

Have a faltered?

Have I died?

I paint the canvas--

Red--to cover the sin.

I cry--

Tears: a cascade that mars

my face,

and now, I drown.

It's over now, yet

I can't smile a grin--so

I lift my head--up--

towards the

moon, and still

it burns.

Then I find myself again.

--

As I walk to the edge.

Everyone thought it was referring to suicide, which I honestly hadn't realized until someone mentioned it to me.


It was just suppose to be about life and taking chances. Also, I think there was something personal that sparked the idea, but I can't remember what it is now. Humph.


I had forgotten that I had written this, until I decided to ruffle through some paperwork. I stumbled across this and a comment from my Writing 2010 teacher in my "blue book," she wrote (and I quote), "Good work, Nathan you have a really engaging voice and a flair for language. I hope you keep writing."

This year I think more than ever, I realized how much I really do love writing, but I found that the work I produced this year; wasn't as compelling as I think it could have been. 

I'm definitely working on that this next year. 

I can't wait!

Number Nine

I got my Wisdom Teeth pulled...finally.

It was really quite exciting, and honestly, I am so happy they are gone.

They were such a bother.

I've always wondered why are we born with things that later in life, we'll need to have removed; wisdom teeth, gall bladder, appendix...etc.

What's the point?

I'm not really sure either.

I feel so grown up now that my Wisdom teeth are gone. I feel mature. I feel crazy. I feel...

alive.

Cheesy much? I know. YAY!

Top Ten moments of 2011...

I've decided this week that I would list my top ten moments of 2011. I didn't realize what a wonderful year it was, until I took a moment to look back at all the wonderful opportunities I had this year. There are far more than ten, but I'm going to try and narrow-it down (for the sake of you and of me).

Number Ten:

London! I went to London. It was probably the most fabulous experience I've ever had. I am definitely going back. Mark my words. I must. I don't think I could live without going back. It is such an extraordinary place. So many things to do. So many people to meet. I just love it. Besides being 5000 miles away from home, in a country unlike any other. I also made some of the best friends in the world there.

Claire Heman and I have become inseparable. I love this girl like a sista from another mista. She is hilarious, and super intelligent. We have oodles of fun together.

Matthew Romriell...there are no words. I adore this man. He is an inspiration. He is a mentor. He is crazy-lovely-wonderful-marvelous person whom I can't even imagine my life had he not come into it.

Olivia Vessel has such a passion for life that I am so envious of. When she sets her mind to something, there is no stopping her. It's very admirable.

Laura Melton, I can't explain to anyone how much I love her. I really can't. She's a fabulous actress. A wonderful friend, and a beautiful person. Secretly, when I walk around, I tell myself to tap into my inner Laura Melton. That's how fabulous she is.

Andy Ricci has stories to tell and he is REALLY good at it. He has perfect comic timing, and is so smart. I was so lucky to have him as a room mate. Anyone else just wouldn't be able to compare to the wonderous wonder of Andres. <3

Among others that I met in London. These are just a few. I truly love them and miss them/it everyday. I'm so happy I had to opportunity to go, to learn, and to grow. I feel very blessed.

Well, until we meet again my dear London.

Wait for me.

When is it time to say Good-Bye.

I think I'm done.

That's what I keep telling myself.

I'm done.

Then I go right back.

Then I'm not done. I'm just

crazy.

I have no idea how to deal anymore. Do I cry? Do I yell?

How do I move-on?

I'm done parading Good-Bye's but never going through with them.

I keep telling myself this is what I wanted, and it is. It's exactly what I wanted, but why do I feel so bitter.

Cold.

Unwanted?

Why?
Why?
Why?

I'm lost.