Hello, My Name is Nathan

When you find that those who were once your greatest ally have become your greatest foe. That burden of hatred to which you begin to carry, seems to be the heaviest load of all. It's heavy on your shoulders, and bad for your back, but more than that. This burden is heavy on your heart. Then, there comes a point in time when you release yourself of the hate, and begin to understand that your life is changing.

You are changing.

Change is somewhat of a fearful exercise to which we all become familiar with in our life. Now, our tolerance for such activity comes to us by our own version of events and our approach to them. Change for me has meant stress-levels shooting through the roof. Change has meant learning to deal with struggle and triumph. Change has meant learning to let go of what "once was" and learning to create something that will "soon be".

I am the director of my own life.

I can only prevail if I allow myself to prevail. I can only succeed if I believe success is within my grips. It also means learning that strength will never come from the times in which I succeed, but from the multitudes of times in which I fall, and tell myself to get back up.

I must always get back up.

So, although my greatest foe is no longer my enemy. Although what I have been through is no longer about what we once were, but what I now know for sure. We will never be what we once were, because that person I once was no longer exists, and that space. The space within my soul to which you had acquired and monopolized, is no longer vacant.

Maybe we can start again? Maybe we can get to a point where we at least know each other's names, and eye color... here, in attempt to start, not in reconciliation, but in a general consent towards taking baby steps in a new direction:

"Hello. My name is Nathan...it's nice to meet you."

What Am I Doing With My Life?

I have no idea.

I feel trapped, upon a boat set sail to nowhere. Perhaps that's too cliche.
I feel abandoned in a desert on the hottest, most scorching day of the year, parched and ready to die.

No. Still cliche.

I feel trapped feet above molten lava, and the only way I can save myself is to jump down from my bed.
It seems simple enough to envision, doesn't it? I just have to jump onto the carpet, but even a leap onto the solid ground which I recognize I've wandered on for years upon years, I'm still so confused.

What if I die? What if I trip and fall? What if I happen to succeed? Or try something new?

These are all things I was never afraid of, and maybe I'm still not afraid of them, but I find that there are moments when I feel so completely mesmerized by how much I've accomplished, I sit and think...

I've gone nowhere. I've done nothing.

Who am I?

That resounding questions seems to beckon near my ear constantly, lately. Along with what am I doing, and where am I going? I'm never really sure, and my uncertainty seems to waiver like a night wind blowing the lethal smog, nowhere.

I feel completely and utterly lost.

So, I extend my great confusion to you, and ask for your hand off of my ledge from a bed, high above a smoldering non-existent batch of lava: how do I find myself?

Finding Closure

What is closure?

I think some would say that closure is the moment you're allowed to finally feed the deepest thoughts of regret, anger and hatred to that which has done you wrong.

Some, those who have meditated on the situation and found a simpler meaning in life would give you a simpler answer and that is to just, "let it go".

Both, however are answers that are far too easily defined, and  are too quickly an anecdote to jump to when trying to reconcile your life, your spirit and your heart from a detrimental downfall and an abhorred event in your life.

It is in these moments we find that we test ourselves and our ability to cope with our own strength.

How long are we willing to hold on?

For me, I found not long, and once I found myself at the depths of despair on a moving staircase of cowardice thoughts and numb emotion.

 I found myself like a hamster turning on a running wheel. Just going in a circle that I thought would never end.

Today, I have made the choice to finally step off the hamster wheel. I have no idea why I stayed on so long. A part of me probably wanted to wait, in hopes that eventually my wheel would pop off it's hinges and create it's own path in my life, but then again, part of me probably liked the security of not having to try to venture in a world of hurt and sadness.

I truly believed that. That this world could only hold hurt and sadness, and it wasn't worth venturing into. I was a fool.

I can only sit here and write this endless plea of confusion, because of individuals who came to my beckon when I didn't know I had called for them. Who saw a poor-soul in need of resuscitation and breathed air back into his lungs. To those people: I am eternally grateful. I know by every fiber of my being I would not be here today were it not for you. I love you and I thank you.

Now that I'm breathing again. I take another step in a brighter direction. A direction into a world full of hurt and sadness and happiness and love.

I don't know whether I'll find closure or not, but I don't think I really need that. That missing part of my heart, where closure fits will always be a gentle reminder of where I've been, and to always keep going.