It's my Birthday

...and I'll cry if I want to. Isn't that how the song goes? I think I remember hearing that song for the first time as part of the Casper soundtrack. Oh, good times...

It's true, tomorrow is my birthday and I'm turning the big 21. I've found that turning 21 receives various sorts of responses, and they vary exponentially, and vary drastically from reactions in past years. Two of the most popular responses are: 1.) Are you going to drink your brains out? You're going to have so much fun. 2.) Yikes! 21? Next thing you know, you'll be 25 and then it just goes down hill. 

I'm paraphrasing both of those, but you get the idea. Either way I'm not sure how I feel about becoming the big 21. I guess I have no real expectations for it. To be honest, I just want to be able to get into pubs to finally see those secret concerts bands put on throughout the year. 

I guess 21 also feels somewhat like a mid-adult life crisis, because I feel as if I have accomplished so much, but yet I've accomplished so little. I feel like such a success, but such a failure. Moreover I feel like I know a lot, but yet I have much more to learn.

For my age, that might be true, perhaps I know more than any sort of young adult should know, for whatever reason, but I recognize I know nothing at all compared to those who have lived life for 30 or 40 years, plus. I know my parents know more than I do, and my grandparents know more than that. 

I guess my point is that being 21 makes me feel like I'm stuck at a crossroads, which is really no different than I've felt for the past two birthdays, but this time something has changed. Something is just a little bit different. 

This time, I'm not scared. I feel empowered by my uncertainty of what the future holds. I feel excited by the spontaneity that life may bring me. I no longer feel defeated. I feel...remarkable, in the most tragic sense of the word. 

I know, one day, far away from now or maybe not so far away from now. I'll look back at this post and think I was completely awkward and utterly pathetic, but I think that's the point. That tomorrow my life doesn't change completely, but that it begins an incredible journey towards something better. A more mature, honest, compelling, hard-working, self-respecting: Nathan. More than that, I hope I dedicate myself to remaining happy, and doing whatever it takes to do so.